Adulting
by WriterofGotham
Summary: Advice from the Batfamily on how to be an adult. Some chapters are crack.
1. Alfred's Advice

**How to be a successful adult**

 **By Alfred Pennnyworth**

1\. Becoming a vigilante by night is in no way a coping skill. Find friends or family you can talk to after something traumatic.

2\. As an adult you need a safe place to live, fortified caves are safe, but a house is slightly, more normal and considered to be less, 'creepy'.

3\. Make sure you're in good mental health before adopting lots of kids. Especially, kids with troubled and unique pasts.

4\. Coffee does not a meal make. Ever.

5\. It's alright to ask for help.

6\. Saying "Because I'm (insert name your name)" is never an excuse.

7\. Staying up late may seem like a good idea at the time, but by morning it won't feel like it.

8\. Don't trust women who carry whips or mallets. It never ends well.

9\. Don't wear leather all the time. It doesn't breath, it will stink and it's hard to clean.

10\. Never be afraid to plan big just as long as you can make it happen. Always get up after falling down, you're never defeated unless you stay down.

 **AN**

 **I am going to write what adulting advice the Batfamily would give. Up next is Dick Grayson.**

 **Review!**


	2. Dick's Advice

Richard Grayson guide to Adulthood

1\. Growing up is a trap, you can't go back to being carefree with your cape blowing in the wind. That doesn't mean you have to be mature.

2\. Acting like an adult sometimes is just acting. No one is going to be perfect. You're going to doubt choices you make.

3\. Life is really short and precious; don't harp on things that don't matter.

4\. Little brothers and sisters are great, don't forget that or leave them out when they need you.

5\. It's awesome to be eighteen and an adult, but your guardians are never going to stop worrying about you.

6\. Every adult should have electroshock escrama sticks. Or at least a tazer those are great for personal protection.

7\. Stay up late, bats get the early fruit. Whatever that phrase is.

8\. Always be proud of your roots, but be who you choose to be, it's up to you.

9\. Try to make the world a better place, even if you don't see an immediate change or any change at all. It still matters.

10\. Falling means that you just have another chance to climb back up and give it another go.

 **AN**

 **Cassandra Cain next.**

 **Review!**


	3. Cassandra's advice

**Cassandra Cain's guide to adulthood**

1\. Life is good, appreciate it.

2\. Keep your hair short it may look nice to blow in the wind on a high building, but it's a liability. Bad guys love to pull hair.

3\. Pay attention to people. How do they smile, does it reach their eyes? Read people, it makes it easy to know who to trust.

4\. Don't trust everyone you meet, not everyone has good intentions. Still look for the best in people, though.

5\. Forks make excellent weapons to stab with. Anything is a weapon if you try hard enough, hands are the best.

6\. People can change, but look for their motivation on why.

7\. Enjoy everything, ice cream, brothers, love, talking, and reading.

8\. Coloring is awesome, especially when it's a Batman coloring book. Adults need to color more.

9\. Break anyone's nose that makes you feel stupid. Or not.

10\. Never stop learning, and don't give up on the first try. You're smarter than you feel.

 **AN**

 **Tim Drake is next .**

 **Review!**


	4. Tim's advice

**Tim Drake's guide to being an adult**

1\. There's not a problem coffee can't fix. Coffee equals good ideas no one can anticipate.

2\. People will think you crazy. Don't believe them.

3\. People will let you down, don't give up on them completely.

4\. Take out, is your best friend along with Ramen noodles.

5\. If you get told you have anminia and malnutrition it's because of #4 and maybe to much caffeine.

6\. As an adult you don't need sleep. Three hours, you're good for days.

7\. People will say you're a human disaster, it's all how you handle it. I'm fine, normal.

8\. Handle stress well, and you're won at being an adult, if anyone ever wins.

9\. Plans change, plan to adapt to any obstacle.

10\. Family is great, but don't expect them to be perfect. People are never going to be perfect.

 **Barbara Gordon is next.**


	5. Barbara's Advice

Barbara Gorden's advice to young adults.

1\. Dance whenever you have the opportunity.

2\. Boys are dumb. It's a universal fact. Find a boy that's your kind of idiot.

3\. Take long walks, notice things while you do.

4\. Identify your weakness and turn it into advantages.

5\. Don't try to be anyone else, you have to mold who you are going to be. Originals are better than copies.

6\. Hone in your skills. Everyone has skills find yours and make yours the best.

7\. Don't make heels part of your every day outfits. Ever!

8\. It's okay if people underestimate you, just don't live up to it.

9\. Know who's at the door before you open it.

10\. Do crazy things you're young for only a few years, but nothing like, decide to be free IT support for any superhero.

11\. Bonus! Wearing skin tight leather will attract crazies! Don't do it unless you are prepared.

 **AN**

 **Up next Jason Todd.**

 **Review!**


	6. Jason's Advice

**Jason Todd's guide to being an adult.**

1\. Never do drugs. It doesn't just mess up your life, anyone who loves you is affected by your beyond stupid choice. Especially, kids.

2\. Know the rules, so you know how to break them right.

3\. Find people who have the same interests as you and do awesome stuff with them.

4\. If something traumatic happens to you don't let anyone forget about it.

5\. Dying is a uncool and hurts. Avoid it if at all possible.

6\. Don't let people murder you.

7\. Family is a pain, but don't try and kill little brothers. 'Daddy' doesn't like that.

8\. Never trust clowns!

9\. Leather jackets make you look 100% cooler.

10\. Smoking isn't as bad as crowbar to the lungs. Don't do it around kids though.

 **AN**

 **Review!**


	7. Bruce's Advice

Bruce Wayne's guide to being an adult.

1\. Kids need homes. Adopt!

2\. Everyone matters treat them like it..

3\. Don't not do something because it's not normal.

4\. Life doesn't end because people die. It tears your heart out, but somehow it keeps pumping.

5\. Brood often.

6\. Saying your name as a reason only works if you can pull it off.

7\. Family is important, no matter how much they can screw up. Most family won't bury you, only to have you come back from the dead. Lazarus Pits are hard to find.

8\. Don't seek out confrontation, but don't be afraid of it either.

9\. Walk with purpose and people will respect that.

10\. Have a safe place you can go to think [brood]. A car or a cave either works well.

 **AN**

 **Review!**


	8. Stephanie

Stephanie Brown's guide to life.

1\. You have to make the first move, if you want something.

2\. You have you're whole life ahead of you, what do you want? Go after it.

3\. Waffles make things better. Don't argue with me about this.

4\. Even the seemingly strongest people need help, don't forget this.

5\. Think before you date a vigilante, who doesn't know how to stop.

6\. Everything has consequences.

7\. Tough love is real, don't be afraid to show it. I'm thankful for all the tough love I've been doled out.

8\. Roofs of buildings make a great spot for dates, unless they get interrupted by the bat symbol.

9\. Kids can be twerps, but make good memories with them.

10\. Tell people that you love them. Even if you have to say it first.

 **Review!**


	9. Damian's Advice

Damian Wayne's guide to being a decent adult.

As I have been told I am not an adult and therefore don't know about adulthood, I wasn't supposed to write this. They told me I couldn't, but I did it anyway.

1\. Gather all the power you can, by destroying those who oppose you.

2\. Never forget people are weird and make dumb choices. Hold it against them.

3\. Don't forget to conceal your knives when you go out in public. Schools freak out if they find it. Adults!

4\. Listen to people who are younger than you.

5\. Self sacrifice is over rated. Dying just slows you down.

6\. Animals listen better than people.

7\. Older brothers are good, when they listen.

8\. Don't steal cars and get caught. Thirteen year olds aren't supposed to legally drive. Stupid rule, made by people over eighteen.

9\. Parents are supposed to love you and teach you things, make sure you're a good parent, if you have kids.

10\. Finally, make the right choices even when it's not easy.


	10. Reactions

"Jason, you can't just put, 'Don't let people murder you'. No one sets out to be murdered," Tim said as he read over the advise everyone had written.

"At least I didn't advocate for brooding! What is up with Bruce?" Jason replied in his defense, he had read over Bruce's before Tim had taken them back to be put in a binder. Alfred thought that it would be a good idea for them to write advise for other people to read within the hero community. Alfred wasn't usually wrong, but from reading over what they had put.. they all had doubts about each other as adults.

"I thought it all sounded good. Everyone had good contributions, but Tim you really need to lay off coffee if you are anemic and have malnutrition. I had Alfred make an appoint with the doctor for you. You are going," Dick said as he looked over at his brother who was still reading over everyone's advise.

"I knew Alfred's would make the most sense, besides Barbara's," Tim muttered to himself, "Why did Damian write advise? 'As I have been told I am not an adult and therefore don't know about adulthood, I wasn't supposed to write this. They told me I couldn't, but I did it anyway.' Dick, did you know about this?"

"No, but that's so cool he participated in a family event without being forced to. What does his say?" Dick asked as he took the offered paper from Tim outstretched hand.

Jason just laughed as he watched Dick's face take on a forced calm. "That bad, huh?"

"4. 7. 9. and 10. are good. They are really sweet, for Dami," Dick said as he handed the paper back to Tim, a little paler than he had been. Jason snatched the papers before Tim could get them back.

"1. Gather all the power you can, by destroying those who oppose you.' This is going to be good." Jason read out and laughed he read over what all of them had written. "This is great." Jason grabbed the binder and read all the advise some of it was truly terrible. Jason was seriously worried about Tim, and Steph really needed to find comfort in something other than waffles. He let out a small laugh at Cass's 'Break people's nose if they make you feel stupid'. Dick came over and sat beside him and read over his shoulder in an irritating fashion.

"Jaybird, I'm so proud of you. Don't do drugs! that's awesome!" Dick said as he read what Jason had written.

"Yeah, the most cliche thing that was ever told to kids, I should have added stay in school too," Jason huffed.

"I liked it, too. 'Find people who have the same interests as you and do awesome stuff with them' was my favorite from your advice," Tim said as he looked up from a cup of lukewarm coffee he was chugging.

"Please stop," Dick said as he looked at Tim drink coffee.

"When I'm dead," Tim replied.

"Don't joke about what happened to me," Jason said quoting his own advice number 4.

"I like this one of yours 'Growing up is a trap, you can't go back to being carefree with your cape blowing in the wind. That doesn't mean you have to be mature.' I think that sums you up, Dick," Jason said.

"I can't decide if I should give this to Alfred, or burn it," Tim said seriously. "No one should follow any of it, except for Alfred's and the girls."

"That's cold, mine was awesome," Dick announced.

"It was cliche and inspiring, I loved it," Jason said sarcastically.

"I am going to turn them into little booklets and give them out to everyone I know," Alfred said as he walked in the living room.

"Have you read them?" Tim asked.

"Yes, I did. It made me worry about all of you more than I already do," Alfred said in his crisp English accent, "You all managed to put some good advise in with the terrible. Burn it and live to regret it."

"Okay, not burning them. That was a joke anyway," Tim said.

"I know," Alfred said as he eyed all three of the boys.


End file.
